Jack And The Beanstalk
by O'NeillRoxMyWorld
Summary: PROOFREAD AND REPOSTED! Want a laugh? Read on, I'll guarantee you'll love it.


Disclaimer: I don't own anything (although I would like to own a certain cute archaeologist

Disclaimer: I don't own anything (although I would like own Michael Weatherly, yum!)

Spoilers: Broca Divide, The Enemy Within, Politics, 48 Hours, Proven Ground, Message In A Bottle.

A/N: Guy Faulkes was a man that tried to blow up Britain's Parliament House.

This is complete and utter silliness. I think I was on a 48 hr Vanilla Coke bender when I wrote this.

Oh and this story is written after "48 Hours" but before "Redemption Pt 1&2". Pretty much before McKay started to be endearing, rather than a complete ass.

This story is inspired by Suzie Bagley, the author of _Jack O'Nella_.

Jack and the Beanstalk (the adaptation)

(As narrated by Daniel Jackson)

D: Once upon a time there was a young man named Jack

J: Hey how ya doin? I'm young in this story? How young?

D: I don't know, young

J: Give me an age here I need to know how to act

D: Fine 25!

J: 25 that's not young!

D: Would you please be quiet, your 25 and that's the end of it. Can't you let me finish more than one sentence without your incessant interruptions!

J: Whoa! Sorry Mr I-Need-Some-More-Coffee-Cause-I-Need-The-Caffeine-To-Function

D: I've had more than enough coffee thank you very much now can I please get back to the story!

J: Sure, why not

D: Thank you. As I was saying, there once was a young man named Jack.

J: You already said that

D: I'll kill you off if you don't be quiet

J: Ok, ok, ok continue your Narrativeness

D: Now Jack wanted to become an Air Force pilot, he loved planes more than anything in the world except gardening.

J: Gardening? Are you kidding me?

D: No, you love gardening

J: Okay whatever you say but my life better get a whole lot better and fast

D: Jack was only a simple man; he could only afford to live in a run down little shanty with no electricity or any other luxuries because his job was as a bus driver for the local elementary school

J: Hey Daniel! Didn't I ask for my life to get better not worse!

D: And if you would shut up for five minutes and stop interrupting you might be able to see that your life does get better…eventually.

D: Jack's best friend from high school Charlie Kawalsky…

J: Charlie's alive in this story; hey my life is getting better.

D: Don't be too quick to jump to conclusions Jack. Charlie on the other hand was very well off, he was the creator of a multi billion-dollar company that creates and develops new stereo systems for some of the richest and most powerful people in the world, including the Royal family in England

J: Speaking of which I never got his stereo when he you know…

D: (ignoring Jack) He lived in a mansion only a couple of blocks away from Jack's place, Jack often went to Charlie's house to watch The Simpson's or catch up on the latest news on television since he didn't have one of his own.

J: I don't have a TV? Not even one of those crappy, old ones that doesn't have a remote control?

D: No.

J: Why not? What about my job, I have to have savings from that right? Couldn't I buy a second hand one?

D: You did have savings, until one of the parents of the children you drove to school sued you for Reckless Driving and Endangering the Lives of Minors. You lost the case and they took all your money.

J: Bummer.

D: Yes what a tragedy, moving on with the story. One day Jack went around to Charlie's house for his early morning Simpson's fix

J: The Simpson's isn't on in the mornings

D: It is when you have cable TV

J: Oh.

D: Anyway as I was saying, Jack went around to Charlie house. When he arrived Charlie welcomed his best friend inside his plush house and got his live-in-cook to make Jack his favourite breakfast, bacon, eggs, hash browns, toast and a bowl of Fruit Loops

J: Speaking of food I could go for a rather large piece of juicy steak…

D: If I promise to get you a steak after I've finished, will you please BE QUIET!

J: Deal, not a sound from me.

D: Thank you. Continuing on, while Charlie was upstairs in his office working on the newest stereo prototype with his group of electricians and designers Jack sat in the leather recliner and stared at the 234cm colour TV.

J: 234cm! Wow that's one big TV!

D: Jack…

J: Sorry, right silence and steak.

D: While flicking through the channel on the remote control Jack caught a glimpse of a special news report. Flicking back to the right channel Jack watched in intrigue. The President of the United States, President Carter…

J: Hey! Sam's president? I knew she'd always look great in that office. Mind you she looks great in anything…

D: No Jack, Sam is not President, this President's name was Jacob Carter.

J: Ohhhhhhhhh

D: The President was addressing the nation

JC: Late last night my daughter Samantha, an officer in the Pentagon was taken from the guest quarters of the White House while spending the evening with me. One of my Secret Service guards witnessed the kidnapper that took my daughter and he was identified as Dr Mackay, a man that has lived amongst the clouds for many years after being banished for treason against this country.

J: Banished to the clouds?

D: Yes, scientists found out that due to the processes of Global Warming that it was possible to actually live amongst the clouds and that's where the US has been sending people charged of treason that have been involved in Top Secret Military Operations.

J: Top secret huh? What kind of top-secret military operations?

D: That would be classified.

J: Come on Daniel, you can tell me, its just Jack

D: No, you'll find out soon enough

J: Okay, but it better be good.

JC: I am calling on all qualified fighter pilots willing to undertake the perilous task of retrieving my daughter to come forth. The reward for the person that brings back my daughter alive is 20 million dollars, I beg of you please return my daughter to me.

J: Oh that's the task I was born to do!

D: What Jack hadn't come to terms with yet was that he wasn't a qualified Air Force pilot and therefore could not undertake the mission.

J: So? There's got to be another way to get up to the clouds and save the President's very beautiful, smart, sexy, talented…

D: Ahem!

J: (Snaps out of dream state back to reality) Whoops, sorry about that, guess my imagination ran away from me.

D: Along with your ability to act mature.

J: How long since you got some sleep Daniel cause you're really cranky

D: Last night thank you very much and I wouldn't be so cranky if it wasn't for you and your persistent whining

J: Fine I'll stop talking altogether then!

D: Fine!

J: FINE!

D: FINE! After realising Jack would not be able to go and save Sam, the President's daughter he decided to go for a walk around town to clear his head. As he walked down Ghastly Street he trudged past a tiny shop with black painted windows and a little sign that said, MAGICAL BEANS INCORPORATED. His passion for gardening peaked his curiosity.

J: ………….

D: Jack? This is where you say something like "Hmm magical beans let's go inside."

J:………….

D: Jack? Jack? Oh for Christ's sake Jack, stop acting like a baby!

J: I said I wasn't going to talk

D: Ha! You just talked!

J: Damn you Daniel, fine, Hmm magical beans, let's go inside.

D: Jack pushed up the front door, the hinges creaking loudly since it was the first time in a very long time that anyone stepped into the store. It was nearly pitch black inside, the only light came from the very back of the room where a figure sat with their head down as to avoid their face being seen. Jack, curious as he had always been, stepped closer to take a look at the person

J: AHHHH! Teal'c you scared the crap outta me! What's with all the earrings and necklaces, not to mention that hair how long did that take to grow?

T: Indeed a very long time. The narrator informs me that your name is Jack

J: Yeah Teal'c, call me Jack.

T: As you wish. Why have you stepped into my place of business? Do you wish to buy some beans that seem to possess some magical abilities?

J: Yeah why not?

T: ………….

J: T?

T: I'm waiting for you to tell me why not?

J: It's a saying Teal'c… you know what, never mind just give me some beans that going to make my wishes come true and then I can get away from this creepy place.

T: My Goa'uld can sense your deepest wish

J: Really? The snakes can do that?

T: Indeed. It tells me you wish to save the President's daughter by rescuing her from the man that lives in the clouds by the name of Dr Mackay.

J: Yes please!

D: Teal'c reached down under the table and pulled out a small blue bag with a gold string tied around the top to secure the contents and handed it to Jack

T: The beans inside this bag will make your wish come true but you must not use it until the day the names of all the pilots who intend to do rescue the President's daughter are revealed. If you use these before that time you will have no chance of rescuing her and you will be doomed to spend the rest of your life in your shanty near Major Kawalsky, never to become and wealthier than you are now.

J: Wow, that's quite a threat.

T: It is not a threat; it is only what will happen if you do not follow my instructions

J: All right, I got it, not before the pilot's names are announced.

T: You will also require this.

D: Teal'c handed Jack a small piece of paper

J: What is it?

T: It is the magic words that will reverse the growth of the Beanstalk and return it to the ground

J: Cool.

T: Good luck Jack, I must go a brush my hair

J: Thanks T, you go do that.

D: And with that Jack left the spooky store and headed home, Teal'c's warning echoing in his mind. The next few days crawled by for Jack; he was so focused on the beans that he missed the Simpson's 12-hour marathon

J: Hey that's no fair! Why couldn't it be on after I saved the damsel in distress?

D: Sacrifices have to be made for the greater good Jack, deal with it. After three days Jack had a gut feeling that the big news of who were the pilots that were undertaking the mission would be on TV. Again visiting Charlie's house, the magical beans clutched tightly in his left hand and the TV remote in the right Jack flicked over to the news channel and as he predicted The President was making the announcement.

JC: The brave officers that are to make the journey into the clouds to rescue my daughter are… Colonel Maybourne

J: What? Now that is just wrong! He's probably only doing this for the money and then he'll kidnap Sam and use her as a hostage to get whatever he wants! Probably more money!

JC: ….Colonel Simmons

J: Okay he'll probably find Sam and kill her because of all the trouble we've caused him! Remember the incident with the escaped Goa'uld and the incriminating videotape?

JC:…..Colonel Samuels

J: Okay he's a traitor! Need I remind you about the first time Senator Kinsey tried to shut down the Stargate program? Samuels followed the good Senator out of the Briefing Room with his tail between his legs after General Hammond ordered him to get out in not a very nice tone.

JC: …..Captain Grogan

J: Okay he's bound to get himself shot even when there aren't any guns!

JC: and…. Martouf

J: WHAT! Now that is the biggest outrage! He isn't even human for cryin' out loud! Let alone an American citizen! Since when do Tokra train to be Air Force pilots?! And we all know the only reason he's going after Sam and it isn't for the money!

That's it I'm getting these magic beans working for me, there's no way I'm letting any of those idiots get in my way of rescuing Sam.

N: And with that declaration Jack ran outside and dug a small hole in the ground. Tipping out the contents of the bag into the hole he saw there was four small beans that sparkled a gold/silver colour.

J: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute, stop everything, how can the beans be gold/silver?

D: Because the two colours of gold and silver were both found on the bean, it's multicoloured alright!

J: You midas well have said they pink and purple if you wanted to make it multi coloured

D: Covering the hole over with dirt Jack stood back and waited to be transported into the clouds.

J:………… What the hell? Why isn't this working? Daniel!

D: You have to be patient

J: Patient! Don't you think I've been patient enough! First I find out that I'm a broke, bus driver without a TV. Next I find out that Sam has been kidnapped, then I see Teal'c with hair running down the back of his head with at least ten earrings in each ear and one through his nose and then I find out that the pilots going to save Sam are a bunch of no good, kniving, wimpy, aliens!

D: Ah Jack, something's happening, you may want to step back before you get taken out.

J: I'm not f-

D: Before Jack could finish his sentence, the ground started to shake violently. He fell against the side of the house; looking down at where he had planted the seeds and without warning a gigantic shoot burst out of the soil and up into the sky followed by hundreds of others, each winding it's way around each other slowly creating a thicker and thicker primary shoot. Jack looked up into the sky but couldn't see the end of the giant shoot through the white clouds of the summer day. Only seconds later the giant plant stopped growing, the ground stopped shaking and what was left was one huge beanstalk.

J: Oh no, don't tell me, I have to climb this thing to get to the clouds where Mackay lives and to rescue Sam.

D: That's the idea.

J: Don't you people know I have bad knees?

D: No actually you don't, your 25 years old remember?

J: Hey…that's right. Cool, all right I'm on my way, wish me luck!

D: Good luck Jack oh and you might want to take this.

J: What? A lemon? What will I need a lemon for? To squirt citric acid in his eye, throw Sam over my shoulder and run away?

D: Actually…never mind. And so he began his epic climb up the huge beanstalk. And he climbed…and he climbed…and he climbed…and he climbed… and for heaven's sake Jack move your butt would you I have a briefing in half an hour!

J: (puffing under the physical exertion) Hey… you…wanna…try…this…be…my…guest."

D: Finally after what seemed like an eternity Jack reached the top of the beanstalk. Stepping of it cautiously his feet landed softly on the clouds, the loose material flowing in breeze around his feet.

J: Hey, I thought clouds were just moisture and gas and I wouldn't be able to stand on it?

D: That's just the story your school teachers told you to keep from revealing the horrible truth.

J: Oh.

D: Jack took a good look at his surroundings; in the far distance he could just barely see the outline of a great castle.

J: Don't worry Sam I'm coming!

D: Jack took off towards the castle, as he ran signs began to appear that had messages like

DANGER! TURN BACK!

MAD DOCTER TERRITORY!

BEWARE ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!

SCORNED DOCTER AHEAD, PLEASE DO NOT MENTION THE OUTSIDE WORLD!

J: What the? Daniel have you been taking your allergy medication, we all know what those histamines can do to you.

D: Not that it's any of your concern…no I haven't. (Gurgling sounds) Okay I have now and my comment before had nothing to do with the levels of histamine in my blood.

J: You keep telling yourself that…

D: Do you want to fall through the clouds, because I'll do it and let Martouf rescue Sam

J: NO! I'm sorry Daniel.

D: Apology accepted. As Jack continued onwards towards the castle inside however, things were not looking so positive for Sam. She paced around the dark and dreary cell in distress, her flannel light blue pyjamas dragging across the dirty floor. In the far corner of the room there was a table with a single piece of paper on it, a pen lay across it ready for Sam's signature. It was a contract stating that Dr Mackay was the foremost expert on the Stargate, the top-secret project Sam was currently involved in, the project in which Dr Mackay was fired from. It also demanded Dr Mackay be reinstated but Sam wasn't going to sign it.

S: How am I going to get out of here? It would be nice to first know where I am, who kidnapped and brought me here and why?

D: Suddenly the door to the room burst open and Sam jumped back in fright as her captor entered the room, bright light filtered through the door causing Sam to squint under the brightness. Mackay's face was partially covered by a thick, bushy beard and moustache as well as overgrown eyebrows; his beady, irate eyes peered out from between the large amounts of facial hair.

S: (voice lowers to a whisper) Daniel? Is that you?

D: Hey Sam, yeah it's me.

S: Is that Dr Mackay?

D: Yes it is

S: Oh okay, that explains the weird contract. So what are you doing here?

D: I'm narrating this story.

S: Oh great! So you decide how the story turns out?

D: Yes…

S: Well can you please, if it isn't too much trouble… GET ME THE HELL OUTTA HERE!

D: No need to shout, don't worry Sam, help is on its way I promise.

S: Good, thanks Daniel

D: No problem. Back to the story. Dr Mackay stepped forward into the darkness and spoke in a gruff, scratchy voice.

DM: Major Carter, you probably don't remember me…

S: Yes I do actually, Dr Mackay I believe, although you looked much more civilised last time I saw you, actually you LOOKED more civilised but didn't ACT more civilised, I guess nothing has changed in that department.

DM: I was just trying to give you a compliment Major.

S: And I told you to go suck a lemon, it was a compliment, it would have improved you greatly, you being dead and all.

DM: As you would have noticed by now there is a contract that I need you to sign.

S: I'm not signing that lie!

DM: Because of you I was fired from my job and have been banished here, do you know what it is like to live up here? No sane people to talk to, no clean air and you constantly have to watch out for planes and their removal procedures. You and I both know I am the expert on the Stargate, your computer interface is pitiful.

S: Well since you haven't been to Earth in a while, you wouldn't have heard, the interface and dialling computer has been update, it now recognises all feedback signals that the Stargate emits as well as acts like a local DHD in assisting with the reintegration process.

D: Sam was happy with her achievement, knowing that Dr Mackay would be upset.

DM: Impossible!

S: Oh but it isn't.

D: Dr Mackay was now furious; the flaws in Sam's computer interface were his only proof that he was smart than her. They wouldn't need him back on Earth now she had perfected the dialling interface.

DM: SIGN THE CONTRACT OR I DROP YOU FROM THE CLOUDS AND SEND YOU HURLING TOWARDS THE EARTH TO YOUR DEATH!

S: Never.

DM: Very well, if that's the way you want to die, so be it.

D: Dr Mackay took the chains and key that hung from a rusted nail in the wall and opened Sam's cell, forcing her arms around her back and clicking the chains into place tightly around her wrists. Sam struggled as much as she could but the good Docter had become stronger than he looked. Pushing her out of the cell area he was taking her to what he referred to as "The Hole of Gravity".

D: Meanwhile, back on Earth, Simmons, Maybourne, Samuels…

J: (coughs) Traitors!

D: (ignoring Jack) …Grogan and Martouf were preparing to take off in their F16's. The planes named JC 1 through to 5 were on the runway ready to begin their ascent into the clouds, little did they now someone else had already beaten them to it.

J: Oh for cryin' out loud Daniel, can you get any more cliché?

D: How about, Jack did not know what kind of perils awaited him?

J: I revoke my last comment.

D: Wise choice. Getting back to the story. Jack had finally reached the castle; it was a large structure build of grey stone that had been worn away from the extreme weather conditions it experienced.

J: Talk about cosy

D: Jack!

J: Sorry! Continue oh masterful one.

D: Jack could see two large doors made of wood at the front of the castle, gaps between the structures of the stone acted like windows where the lose moisture off the clouds seemed to filter in and out of the castle. Crossing a rickety bridge over a hole in the clouds across the sky Jack stood at the front door.

J: Oh let me guess this is where I knock?

D: Finally you're catching on. So Jack rapped on the wooden door, the sound echoing around him and into the eerily empty and cold castle in front of him.

J: How do I know it's cold?

D: You don't, I do.

J: I do now.

D: Inside Dr Mackay was dragging Sam towards the front door and outside to the "Hole of Gravity" where he was going to throw her to her death.

S: If you kill me you'll be hunted down and tortured in the worse way!

DM: And what way would that be?

S: Being forced to watch my computer interface work flawlessly for the rest of your natural life.

D: Dr Mackay shuddered at the thought, it would be the ultimate torture but Sam's threat was not about to stop him. He stopped suddenly when he heard the pounding on his door.

DM: Now who the hell could that be? If it's that damn Guy Faulkes from England I'm going to throw him down the hole too.

S: Is that what you do with your problems? Throw them down the hole? (Lowers her voice to whisper) Pathetic.

DM: No, I only throw the one that think they are so much smarter, funnier than me or just so annoying they are becoming unbearable, guess which category you fit into?

S: Smarter?

DM: I don't think so, I was going for annoying.

D: Another knock came at the door and Dr Mackay had to find a place to secure Sam so she wouldn't escape. Pushing her roughly into a steel chair, unlocking one of the cuffs in the chains and clicking it around the arm of the chair. Sam pulled at the chains, clanging of metal against metal, but the steel material held tight. Dr Mackay turned at threatened Sam ferociously.

DM: Don't say a word or I'll hold you by your hair over the hole!

S: (comments under her breath) Ouch. Daniel, tell me that my rescue party is coming soon, I'd like to keep my hair… and the rest of me.

D: Did you hear that knocking at the door? That's your knight in shining armour, figuratively speaking.

S: Who is it?

D: You'll see

S: Oh come on; just give me a hint

D: Well… I will give you one tiny hint…it's not me.

S: Oh thanks Daniel! That makes the deductive process so much easier!

D: Just trust me, you'll like who it is.

S: Are you sure? It's not Lieutenant Simmons is it? No offence to the kid but he'll just start stuttering when he sees me and he's guaranteed to get us both killed.

D: I promise you Sam it's not him.

S: Is it…you know.

D: You know?

S: I keep forgetting your not Janet. Speaking of which, when are you going to ask her to dinner?

D: Ahem! Getting back to the story…

S: Changing the subject, classic avoidance of confrontation.

D: I can change who it is that saves you, or doesn't save you?

S: All right I've had my fun, but we'll definitely be talking about this later.

D: Fine. Dr Mackay entered the entrance room of the castle; walking swiftly to the door he swung it wide open in anger and frustration, his lucky rabbit's foot that hung on a nail on the back of the door dropped to the floor. When Jack saw Mackay we instantly reacted defensively, his fist connecting with the good doctor's nose, an audible crack could be heard as Dr Mackay double over in pain, holding his bleeding nose. Jack spotted the keys sitting on a hook on Dr Mackay's belt, as Jack pushed past him and into the castle. Running through the entrance hall he yelled out to her.

J: Sam? Sam where are you?

D: Her head turned quickly towards the sound of a voice calling her name, it was an unfamiliar voice but a comforting and trusting voice.

S: (Whisper) Thanks Daniel.

D: No problem

S: I'm over here!

D: Jack ran towards her voice and found her chained to the chair; rushing over to her he knelt down beside the chair and reached into his pocket for something. Seconds later he pulled out a paperclip.

J: A paperclip?

D: Yes, you are you are going to unwind it and use it to unlock Sam's chains. Before you became a bus driver you were a petty thief

J: Is there anything I can't do?

D: Besides stay awake in meetings with your employers? Not much. So Jack unwound the paperclip, straightened it as much as possible, and began to pick the lock.

S: Hi I'm Sam.

J: Hey my name's Jack and I'm here to free you and return you to your father in the White House.

S: How'd you get up here?

J: You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

S: Try me.

J: Teal'c with long hair and a large amount of jewellery gave me magical beans that grew into a large beanstalk. I climbed it up here, found the castle, punched out the bad docter dude and here I am.

S: That's quite a story.

J: You can thank Daniel for that.

D: A click could be heard as the chains dropped open. Jack quickly unlocked the other cuff and pulled Sam to her feet.

J: Any other exits in this place?

S: I don't think so.

J: Okay then, back the way we came, we'll just have to find a way to get past Mackay. Got any ideas?

S: The only thing I can think of is… you don't happen to have a lemon do you?

J: So that lemon wasn't just for sarcastic comments. Yeah I do.

S: Mackay's highly allergic to citrus, he'll have a hypoglycaemic reaction if he has even one drop.

J: English?

S: He'll die.

J: Ah right, that should be something that will come in handy

S: Indeed.

J: Wait, wait, wait, wait, why does Sam sound like Teal'c? "Indeed." Come on Daniel, running out of interesting dialogue?

S: I'd have to agree with Jack on this one.

D: Fine, gang up on me why don't you guys? How about "without a doubt"

S: Hmmmmm no I sound like an English novelist in an interview about her latest book

D: Very well, how about… "Too right"

S: Now I sound like an Aussie talking to his mates about how good the kangaroo races were

D: Okay how's this, you say nothing and we move on with the story?

J: Works for me.

S: Deal.

D: So Jack and Sam stalked carefully into the next room in case Dr Mackay had recovered quickly from his punch in the nose. When they entered the entrance hall Mackay grabbed the fire poker from beside the fireplace and inched closer towards them with a menacing expression on his face, his mouth twisted into the evillest of snarls, blood still trickling from his nose.

D: Jack pushed Sam back behind him, placing himself as a shield between her and the fire poker-wielding mad doctor like the heroic man that he was.

J: Stand back, I don't want you to get hurt.

D: Jack put his fists up and psyched himself up for a fight but before he could touch Dr Mackay, Sam stepped in front of him, grabbing the lemon from Jack's hand, she took a sword that was mounted on the wall beside her. Throwing the lemon into the air Sam repeatedly sliced and diced the lemon with expert precision, juices spilling everywhere causing Dr Mackay stumbled backwards in fear at the acid entering his eye. Dropping the sword, Sam threw a spinning kick, knocking the firepoker from Mackay's hands and then launched herself into the air, pausing for a brief moment in mid air before hitting Mackay in the chest with a series of rapid punches. Docter Mackay was sending flying into a brick wall, hitting it was unmeasurable force then sliding down until he flopped clumsily to the floor. Landing firmly on her feet, Sam turned to Jack with a large smile on her face.

J: Okay if that's not the biggest rip off of "The Matrix" I don't know what is and in fairytales doesn't the hero save the damsel in distress?

S: Why does it always have to follow a stereotypical flow, maybe the damsel only needed a little help from the knight in shining armour and could take care of the rest by herself?

D: Sam has a point.

J: Well I guess it makes sense for this fairytale to be all screwed up, after all, I am a bus driver with no savings

S: Really? Daniel couldn't you have given Jack a better occupation?

J: Thanks Sam

S: No problem

D: I had to give a lower occupation for the unique ending of this story.

J: Unique? That means good right?

D: Yes Jack

J: Okay, no gripes from me.

D: Thank you. Anyway with Docter Mackay against the wall, his eyes closed and his body not moving Sam and Jack ran out of the castle and into the open cloud area. Sam immediately stopped dead in her tracks, looking down at the cloud under her feet a look of petrification on her face.

S: Ah, clouds aren't solid; they are only made up of moisture and gas and wouldn't be able to support weight.

J: That's something our school teachers told us to cover up the terrible impact of global warming.

S: Who told you that?

J: Daniel did.

S: Daniel! You know it's not nice to exploit people like that, didn't we already have a discussion about making fun of Jack

J: What? Excuse me? What conversation? Have you two been having secret meetings behind my back?

D: Well… technically…maybe…

J: When we get back I'm going to kick your behind Space monkey!

D: What about Sam? She was the one that called the meetings.

J: I can't lay a hand on a woman Daniel!

D: Aren't you at least going to verbally reprimand her?

J: No…because…because…she didn't take advantage of me and feed me false information like you did.

D: (lower voice to a murmur) Yeah right, it's because you're in love with her

S: What?

J: Excuse me?

D: Nothing. Sam and Jack ran across the bridge and along the clouds towards the beanstalk but suddenly a loud whooshing sound could be heard as a plane piloted by Colonel Samuels plunged through the clouds, the ground gave way under Sam's feet and she fell into the hole the plane had created. Jack managed to grab Sam's hand, being pulled down by the force of gravity, his arm was hanging over the side of the hole, Sam dangling dangerously thousands of miles above the land.

S: I'm not saying this.

D: What?

S: I'm not saying this.

D: Why not?

S: Because I sound like a pathetic, useless princess with blonde hair and big boobs

J: Well you do have blonde hair and…

S: …Yes?

J: Never mind.

D: Come on just say the line Sam, I'm getting a headache and my briefing's drawing ever closer.

S: Fine. (In board monotone voice) Jack save me, please save me.

D: Sam!

S: That's all your getting.

D: All right be as obstinate as a mule. Jack could feel Sam's hand slipping from his, reaching down his other hand Jack yelled to her.

J: Take my other hand!

S: I can't! I'll slip! Jack!

D: Thank you Sam

S: You owe me big time.

D: I'm sure you'll call in the favour at the most importune time.

J: Come Sam, I won't let anything happen to you! Just take my hand! Trust me!

D: Sam looked down at the ground below her and then up at Jack. She saw trust in his eyes, even from the first moment they met. They had been through so much together but the barriers that had been placed between them…

J/S: (warning tone) Daniel…

D: Whoops sorry, my mistake. Let me rephrase. Sam instantly knew she could trust Jack, even though she had only just met him. Pushing aside her growing fear she swung her arm up towards him, Jack grabbed it and immediately began pulling Sam up. It took all his strength to pull her back onto the safety of the clouds.

S: Are you suggesting something about my weight?

D: No

S: Then why did you say, "it took all his strength"?

D: It had to seem that there was a chance that you wouldn't make it.

J: Yeah right! I'm what 25, young, muscular, even at my age now I can lift Carter no problem.

D: Speaking of which, how old are you Jack?

J: Let's continue with the story shall we?

S: (Coughs) "60"

J: Carter! I am not 60!

S: Well why don't you tell us how old you are so we get the facts from the horses' mouth?

J: Because it's none of your business that's why!

D: I know why he doesn't want to tell us…especially you Sam.

J: Daniel, clamp it shut or I'll yank out your hard drive with all your precious translations and dump it on an alien planet AND remove all coffee from the base for a month, and don't think I don't know about your hidden stash in the Doc's office!

D: Hey! How do you know about that?

J: I have my ways.

D: …Jack's age will remain unknown.

S: I'll just access the Colonel's files and find out when we get back.

J: Carter, don't think that I don't know where you keep your stash of imported Turkish Delight chocolates

S: (murmurs) Damn him.

D: Now that Sam was safely back on solid cloud, they both continued to make their way towards where the Beanstalk could be seen protruding through the clouds. All of a sudden they heard an evil laugh from behind them. Swivelling around at the voice, they saw Dr Mackay standing on the bridge in front of his castle, his eyes flashing red with rage. Suddenly he began grow, he began to become taller and wider, his dirty clothes ripped under the strain of the docter's growing muscles. When the growth stopped he was 100 feet tall and the width of the White House, his muscles practically bursting from under his skin that had turned a sickly green colour.

S: I was wondering when we would have the giant factor in this story

D: Unfortunately, the bridge couldn't support the weight of Mackay any longer, the wood crumbling under him as the Docter fell he let out a high pitched scream. He hurtled towards land and collided with the planes of Maybourne, Simmons and Samuels, catching them under his body and taking them with him to crash into the ground below.

J: Woo hoo!

D: Anyway, so after stopping for a moment to pay their respects for three fine officers…

J: (coughs) Traitors!

D:… Jack and Sam finally reached the Beanstalk. Beside it lay Sam's eyes followed it's path right down the the ground then looked at Jack in surprise.

S: You climb up all this way to save me?

J: (blushes) Hey, it was nothing

S: In any case, are we suppose to climb back down?

J: I guess so.

D: Pssst, Jack!

J: What is it now Daniel!

D: Remember the little piece of paper?

J: Oh yeah. No Sam we don't have to climb down it, I've got the elevator button to the ground floor.

D: Sam looked at Jack confused.

J: Trust me, just step onto the Beanstalk and hold on tight.

D: Sam got onto the beanstalk, quickly followed by Jack. Pulling the piece of paper from his pocket Jack recited the magic words.

J: Chappai, Chappai, Kree, Kree, Chappai

S: Come on Daniel you can't do any better than that?

J: Yeah, Stargate, Stargate, Yoo Hoo, Yoo Hoo, Stargate?

D: I was only trying to make it easier for Jack to say. Alright I'll change it. Read it now Jack.

J: Sholatika, Sholatika, Kalertiu, Jamatuil, Karatyl

D: Without warning the Beanstalk began to slowly lower out of the clouds towards the ground. Only a minute after they began to descend the Beanstalk stopped dead.

J: Hey! What's going on? This is suppose to take us back to land, terra firma, Earth not leave us hanging in mid air.

D: Ah Jack,you might want to look to your left…your other left. For a plane was hovering in the air beside them, the door to the cockpit was open and there was Martouf kneeling on the front of the plane with a bunch of flowers in his hand.

M: Samantha, I have come to take you away from this fiend!

S: I didn't think aleins were allowed in the Air Force?

J: See Daniel?

D: Yes they are.

J: Sorry Martouf but your too late, I already rescued Sam from the evil Dr Mackay.

M (near tears) Oh, but Samanatha, won't you except these flowers and my heart, for it only beats for you.

J: Oh puhlease!

S: That's very sweet Martouf but I can't marry you, we are from two different worlds, it would never work out.

D: Martouf was so crushed that the flowers is his hand suddenly died and were blown away by the breeze.

M: Then I will never return here again, (begins to cry) Goodbye Samantha.

D: Martouf returned to the cockpit of his plane and flew away. Sam felt a pang of guilt at upsetting Martouf so Jack tried to comfort her.

J: I'm sure he will find someone that is perfect for him.

S: I hope so.

D: Suddenly the Beanstalk began to move again and five minutes later Sam and Jack touched down on the solid ground. The Beanstalk was surrounded by camera crews and reporters from different television, radio stations and newpapers and President Carter who was overjoyed to see his daughter alive and well.

JC: Samantha!

D: Father and daughter embraced as flashes on cameras went off all around them. After a moment or so President Carter let go of his daughter and held ou this hand for Jack to take.

JC: Thank you for saving my daughter. What is your name son?

J: Jack

JC: Well Jack I am indebted to you for saving my daughter. Won't you please join us in White House for dinner, it is the least we can do for your heroism.

J: I'd be my honour

D: So Sam and Jack parted ways for the moment, Jack went back to Charlie's house to borrow a tuxedo since he didn't have one of his own. Also borrowing his friends' Holden SS he arrived at the White House at 6pm sharp. The dinner was the best Jack had ever had, it was steak and steamed vegetables. When they had finished dinner Sam pulled her father from the table and into another room leaving Jack at the dinner table worrying about she was saying. Jacob and Sam returned a few minutes later, Sam had a large smile on her face when she looked at Jack he could see the beautiful sparkling of her blue eyes.

JC: Samantha has suggested you join a top secret military organisation she is currently involved in. It's called the SGC, where a sophisticated peice of alien technology known as the Stargate is used to travel to other planets in the galaxy. You have proved yourself to be a man of great character and the potential to become a great soldier and leader. What do you say? Will you join the SGC?

J: Ahh so that was the classified information.

D: Jack looked at Sam and smiled to himself.

J: I'd love to join the SGC, thank you Mr President.

JC: Excellent, let's have a toast to you Jack, the man that saved my daughter and will be part of the greatest organisation ever.

J/S: Cheers!

D: So Jack joined the SGC, soon he was able to afford a cabin on a lake and a big screen television and buy a truck to drive around in.

J: About time.

D: … Sam and Jack had many great adventures going through the Stargate and become the greatest of friends. THE END.

S: What about you Daniel?

J: Yeah what about you Dannyboy?

D: And I…just looked at my watch and realise that I'm late for my briefing!

THE END

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